Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
Why do snakes always measure in inches?
Because they don’t have any feet.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.