Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
How do you get yarn out of a snake?
Wait until it sheds its skein.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
Who is a snake’s favorite actor?
Humphrey Boa-gart.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
Why was the snake mad at the jewel thief?
Because he wanted his diamondback.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
Why did the two boa constrictors get married?
Because they had a crush on each other.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What do you call a snake that informs the police?
A grass snake.
Why are snakes hard to fool?
They have no legs to pull.
What do you get if you cross a trumpet and a serpent?
A snake in the brass.
A sheep, a drum, and a snake fall off a cliff.
Baa dum tssssss.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
What do you call a Mexican snake?
Hisssspanic.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
Why did the viper, viper nose?
Because the adder, adder hankerchief.
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
What do you call a snake who works for the government?
A civil serpent.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
Why was the mother rattlesnake sad?
The time had come for her children to strike out on their own.
Did you hear about the snake who wrote a love letter to his girlfriend?
He sealed it with a hiss.
What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
What do snakes do when they get angry?
They throw hissy fits.