What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.
It's made of asphalt.
Why don’t snakes drink coffee?
Because it makes them viperactive.
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What medication does a snake with hay fever take?
An antihissstamine.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
What do married snakes have on their bath towels?
Hiss and Hers.
What type of snake does a baby play with?
A rattlesnake.
Escaped snakes make some people hiss-terical.
"Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a python."
"Oh you can’t get round me like that, you know."
What kind of letters did the snake get from his admirers?
Fang letters.
Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
What do snakes do after they have a fight?
Hiss and make up.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
A woman tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves.
What do you do if you find a black mamba in your toilet?
Wait until he’s finished.
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Why can’t you trust snakes?
They speak with forked tongues.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.