My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
What does a house wear?
Address.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.