How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What did the happy realtor say to his client after making the deal?
He said, "Well, all's well that dwells well."
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What does a real estate agent from Seychelles specialized in beachfront properties do?
She sells Seychelles by the seashore.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
What do real estate agents have to be thankful for this year?
Lots.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
How many realtors are needed to change a bulb?
Five. One to change, and four others to say they would have done it for a lower price.