Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
Which Led Zeppelin song do realtors love most?
“A Whole Lot Of Love.”
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
Why would a real estate business never close down?
Since it’ll never be out of commission.
What’s the worst thing about broken elevator puns? They’re not very uplifting.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
When it comes to board games about buying real estate, Hasbro has a monopoly…
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What are sophisticated realtors known for?
Constantly telling you all about proper tea.
Do truckers prefer houses with long-haul ways?
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What does a house wear?
Address.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Why did the realtor buy his home right beside a porta-potty?
Because it was a leakfront property!