The last buyer I worked with wasn’t that bright.
When I handed him an exclusive buyer agreement that said “sign here” at the bottom, instead of signing his name, he just wrote “Capricorn.”
We’re having a really difficult time selling our house. We blame it on the neighbors.
They always have the lawn sprinkler on… It’s a source of constant irrigation.
Why is it so tough to become a real estate attorney?
You always have to deal with battles of wills.
Why did the realtor open a bakery shop?
Because he was dealing in dough!
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
Why is it a bad idea to pick a fight with a real estate agent?
They can flip houses whenever they want!
How did the realtor compliment his wife?
He said, “Real estate values will go up and down, but you will remain beautiful forever.”
A realtor is passing out information for a house as potential buyers are walking in at an open house. A guy says, “Hey, can I see one of those pamphlets?”
The realtor replies, “Brochure.”
Why did the mortgage broker always eat lunch by himself?
He was a loaner.
There are three things verbose realtors find most important:
Loquacion. Loquacion. Loquacion.
The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!
What is the lightest house a real estate seller sells?
A lighthouse, of course!
How does a dual agent sleep?
Well, first he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
What type of real estate transactions do dwarves prefer?
Short sales.
Why was the realtor in counseling?
He couldn’t get closure.
My realtor promised to give me a free abacus if he could close the deal.
I’m unsure whether to count on it or not.
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
What is the only similarity between a UFO and an affordable agent?
You usually hear about both but can never ever see one!
Why did the house make an appointment with the doctor?
It had a window-pane.
The man who invented the door knocker won a no-bell prize.
Why do realtors not buy houses near stables?
Because they will always be worried about their next-door neigh-bors!
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What did the real estate agent do when her buyer was on a budget?
She asked the listing agent what would be the condominimum offer the owner would take.
How do you make a million dollars in real estate?
You start out with two million.
Why was a realtor amused by solving a house jigsaw puzzle in just five weeks?
The box read for 10-14 years!
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
Why do realtors love skateboards?
Because they can flip them whenever they want!
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
My real estate agent lied. He said my house had a 1,000 carpet area, but I could barely fit in 4 cars and 4 dogs in there...
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?
“For Lease Navidad.”
I tried bidding on a shopping center in a real estate auction, but someone outbid me at the last minute. I guess the old saying is true…
You can’t win a mall.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
You just can’t trust real estate developers.
They’re always busy with plots and schemes.
Why do people take an instant dislike to real estate agents?
To save time.
How did the real estate agent handle the rude client?
She showed her some manors.
What did the real estate agent say to the lady at the bar?
"Ma'am, is your name FHA loan? Because you have most certainly caught my interest."
Never bet on real estate. The house always wins.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
Why will you never see a realtor reading books?
Because books only have page numbers!
Why was the realtor upset with his truck driver client one day?
The client wanted a house with really long haul ways.
What did the realtor say to his wife?
"Speaking with you felt like buying a house for the first time - thrilling and nervous."
Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.
What do you call a real estate agent who secretly moonlights as a detective?
Sherlock Homes.
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
