I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
My mom said I have no sense of direction
So I packed my bags and right
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
I was talking to my friend and he asked me, “As a young boy was your mom strict with you?” I told him, “To be honest,...
“...my mother was never a young boy.”
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
My mother-in-law dropped her iPhone in the toilet...
I told her, "there's a CRAP for that."
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
What did E.Ts mother say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
A child was bored out of his mind. His mother told him that they are going to the laundry mat and the child said "that is the most boring place on earth."
Then the mother said, "Come on, it will be loads of fun."
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
What did the young Toyota say to his mother when she asked what he wanted for dinner?
Taco ma
Dad: “Son, your mother and I are thinking about moving to a square island.”
Son: “Wow really? Can I come too?”
Dad: “Four shore!”
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My mother likes to tell people when I was little that I told her I loved her alphabet soup.
I didn’t, she just likes putting words in my mouth.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.