Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Does anyone know where we find the handmade Mother's Day gifts the school sends out each year?
I checked my kids' backpacks like usual but they weren't there.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
What does a Turkish kid say to his mom when he needs to do chores in the summer:
I dont’t wanna do it, it’s sho warm ma!