My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
What do you call a parallelogram that's also your parent's mother?
A parallelogramma
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
My mom's sister once mistook Ritalin for aspirin...
It really upped the aunty!
Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
I could borrow the step-stool from my mom, OR i could go buy something taller.
I prefer the ladder.
Its hard being a teenage mother
Especially when you're a teenage male.
What does a baby volcano say to his volcano mother?
Magma
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
My wife showed me two of her mother’s quilts and asked me which one I preferred.
I said, “I refuse to make blanket statements.”
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
How can you tell if a tree is older than your mother?
It'll be covered in grandmoss.
At dinner tonight my mother in law asked why my sons knife had a bend in it
I told her it’s so he can cut corners
My mother always used to say "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach"
Nice lady and all, I truly loved her, but a terrible surgeon.
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
Children with only a mother make horrible programmers
Theres always missing parent.