My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year. They chose a hot dog...
... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
Did you get to meet the tallest vampire in the world? People call him Count Everest.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
Why did the ghost go to the bar? To get some boos.
My dad has been making Halloween related puns all morning
He's now asking that I call him the Halloween Pun King.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
I didn’t want to play it safe with a skeleton costume, I want people to know I have guts.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
What do you get when you divide your jack-o’-lantern’s circumference by its diameter? Pumpkin-Pie!
Did you know that the soldiers at Arlington salute their new Jack-o-Lanterns every Halloween?
They always honor the changing of the Gourd.
I need a new Halloween costume. I’m thinking of going as an evil nun.
Do I really need another bad habit?
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
Saw Humpty Dumpty shopping for Halloween supplies.
He's going to have a great fall.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us