My new Halloween cookies are bringing everyone back for more!
I call them boo merginues.
Are any of the Halloween Monsters good at math?
Only if you Count Dracula.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
My aunt showed up to our Halloween party wearing ranch bottle costume. She was an hour late.
Her response: Sorry, I was getting dressed.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow dog."
Did you guys hear about the airplane that dressed up for Halloween?
It was in disguise.
My Haloween costume would have been perfect if my hair agreed with me. Guess I’m just having a bad scare day.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
Son: Dad, did you know they used to carve turnips on Halloween?
Dad: They must have been out of their gourds.
I said to my son, "There's only one thing about Halloween that scares me."
He asked, "Which is?"
I replied, "Exactly!"
Why do skeleton's make such good comedians? They have so many funny bones.
What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!
We’ve all heard of the mushroom who gets invited to the party cause he’s a fungi, but what about the mushroom who stole all the halloween candy?
He had no morrels.
What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!
What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
Halloween Math
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a jack-o'-lantern by its diameter?
Pumpkin Pi.
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
Halloween candy is yummy and all, but don't forget to save room for 'I scream.'
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I'm going to need to exorcise a lot after all this Halloween candy.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
Why did the Vampire read The New York Times? He heard it had great circulation.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
Enjoy goblin up all your Halloween candy — just don't let it go to waist!
What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!
What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood
My friend wanted me to take care of his extremely fragile pumpkin. I told him I'd gourd it with my life!
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
Jehovahs witnesses don’t celebrate halloween
I guess they don’t appreciate random people coming to their door
I bought a pumpkin for Halloween but it was broken
So i had to get a pumpkin patch.
“I found this humerus” is the perfect Halloween pun for boneheads.
Orange you excited for Halloween?
I told everyone that I’m going as a zombie character from Harry Potter this Halloween, but no one believes me.
I’m dead Sirius.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
No matter what costumes they wear, when the Halloween candy comes out, everyone is a goblin!
What do you get when you drop a pumpkin? Squash.
Although he seems happy and bright, the jack-o-lantern was so sad on Halloween because he’s hollow inside.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.