I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
You’re unbeleafable.
Many gardeners suffer from hay fever. Isn’t that news a pollen?
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
I’ll never leaf you.
In the eyes of the lawn.
All things must grass.
That’s a bit mulch.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
I’m rooting for you!
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Trowel and error.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
I had a job drilling holes for water. It was well boring.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Let me plant one on ya!
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
All clover the world.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Have you botany plants lately?
Your good seed for the day.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.