What does a gardener call the tree surgeon who also makes a great cup of coffee?
Arbor-ista.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
I beg your garden?
Have you botany plants lately?
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
It’s party thyme.
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
Leaf me alone.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
Why was the gardener so embarrassed? He wet his plants!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
In the eyes of the lawn.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
All things must grass.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
I’m very frond of you.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
I’ll never leaf you.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I’m rooting for you!
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
You’re unbeleafable.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!