The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
Botanists have developed a vegetable that eliminates the need to brush your teeth.
Bristle sprouts.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What’s the name of the gardener’s favorite show? Lawn and order.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What did the pirate call his vegetable patch?
His garrrrgh-den.
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
Did you hear the gardener's joke about the old oak tree?
It's acorny one!
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
Herb your enthusiasm.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
Don’t moss around.
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Trowel and error.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
In on the ground flora.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
You’re unbeleafable.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
I’ll never leaf you.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
In the eyes of the lawn.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.