What happened to the Venus Fly Trap's plant food?
The arbor-ate-em.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on gardening
It's about Thyme.
Garden centers are attempting to stem a fall in the sale of fresh flowers.
Ants in your plants.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
What’s a gardener’s favorite type of trousers? Ones with turnips.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
One more thyme.
Sherlock Holmes was doing some gardening, Watson asked what he was planting. He replied “A lemon tree, my dear Watson”.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
In the eyes of the lawn.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
How do you know if you're a bad gardener?
All the rocks in your garden went belly up!
I’m kind of a big dill.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Do you have the thyme? I need to get somewhere around tree o’clock.
I beg your garden?
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
Let me plant one on ya!
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
Do you need some encourage-mint?
One trick peony.
What is it called when a gardener covertly listens to foliage falling in the fall?
Leaves-dropping.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
In on the ground flora.
It’s party thyme.
Yet again, someone has added more soil to my allotment. The plot thickens…