Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
What’s a gardener’s favorite Harrison Ford film? Raiders of the Lost Bark.
Farmers are real experts, they are often outstanding in their fields.
I asked the staff at my local garden center what to grow in my garden. They gave me some sage advice.
What do you call a cow who works for a gardener?
A lawn moo-er.
I’m very frond of you.
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
I used to make lots of money clearing leaves from gardens. I was raking it in.
Why did the gardener need a cork?
Because his garden sprung a leek!
What kind of garden flowers grow in outer space?
Moonflowers, Sunflowers, Star Clusters, and Cosmos.
A man walks into a flower shop "I'd like some flowers please."
"Certainly, Sir. What did you have in mind?"
He shrugs "Well I'm not sure, I uh, I uh, I uh..."
"Perhaps I could help. What exactly have you done?"
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
All clover the world.
Let me plant one on ya!
Why was the gardener so busy over the weekend?
He had a long honeydew list.
Ow did the millionaire gardener get rich so quickly?
He was running a huge pansy scheme.
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
You’re unbeleafable.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
If only I could grow green stuff in my garden like I can in my refrigerator.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
I hired a landscape gardener today.
He couldn’t help me — my garden is a portrait.
If a man is alone in the garden and speaks, and there is no woman to hear him, is he still wrong?
In the eyes of the lawn.
Why didn’t anyone laugh at the gardener’s jokes?
Because they were too corny!
Why didn’t the flower get to go out on a second date?
He was a garden variety.
I was offered a job as a gardener, but I didn’t take it because the celery was too low.
Seed between the lines.
Herb your enthusiasm.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.
I beg your garden?
Trowel and error.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
I want to start gardening, but I haven’t botany plants.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you call it when worms eat all of the plants and take over the world?
Global Worming.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
