What’s a gardener’s favorite Beatles song? Lettuce Be.
Do you know what really bugs me? Insect puns.
How do you know you are a Master Gardener?
There is a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You would rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothing store.
You prefer gardening to watching television.
You plan vacation trips to arboretums and public parks.
Dirt under your fingernails and calloused palms are matters of pride.
What do you get if you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy?
A rash of good luck.
Cleaning my cold frame is a pane in the glass.
What kind of socks does a gardener wear?
Garden hose!
A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
What is the wise gardener's mantra?
Weed 'Em and Reap!
Winter does not arrive until the ice is in the compost heap. Spring does not arrive until the ice is out of the compost.
I beg your garden?
I’m rooting for you!
Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
Why do gardeners plant bulbs? So the worms can see where they’re going.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
All clover the world.
We’re mint to be.
Did you hear about the squirrel diet? It’s nuts!
I'm a gardener and I'm OK
I sleep all night and I plant all day!
I dress in grubby clothing and hang around with slugs.
Oh I'm happy in the garden
With dirt and plants and bugs.
I got a job working in a hayfield. After one day I bailed.
What do you call a grumpy and short-tempered gardener?
A Snapdragon.
I’m very frond of you.
Our farm is haunted by chickens. You could say that we have a poultry-geist problem.
I’ve started to plant my herbs in alphabetical order. People ask me how I find the time. I tell them “it’s next to the sage”.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
My neighbor asked me if he could borrow my lawnmower. It told him he could; if he did not take it out of my yard.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commen-tater.
My leaf blower doesn’t work. It just sucks!
Schwarzenegger retired from TV to kill bugs. Now he’s an ex-terminator.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
Seed between the lines.
One more thyme.
In the eyes of the lawn.
One trick peony.
Have you botany plants lately?
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Any self-respecting rock will break at least one shovel before accepting its new home.
Ants in your plants.
What did the gardeners say when he discovered nasty weeds in his garden?
I have spotted spurge!
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
I started dating the girl across the street. Honestly, lawn-distance relationships aren’t that hard.
Gardening question: Does anyone know a good place where I can buy a fern? Asking for a frond.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Your good weed for the day.
I’ve always been afraid of gardening.
But then I decided to grow a pear.
Scarecrows always garden their patch.
Don’t moss around.