That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
I wanted to be a professional fortune-teller but I wasn't very good at it. I could only predict when there would be bad winter storms. Well, turns out I had been using a snow globe.
Did you hear Harry’s girlfriend left him for Keith?
Yeah, she was always telling the poor guy to Harry up, turns out she found someone who could Keith better.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
Why the skeleton doesn't go to the theater?
Because he has nobody to go with.
Just landed in Rome, Italy. My pilot used to be a Franciscan Monk...
...But now he's an Air Friar.
Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
I almost got into a fight with a bendy straw.
When I put it in my drink, it tried to flex on me.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which? Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs.
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
What type of weapon does a vegetable knight use?
A-spear-iguess
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
I thought a thought.
But the thought I thought
Wasn’t the thought I thought I thought.
If the thought I thought I thought,
Had been the thought I thought,
I wouldn’t have thought I thought.
What is the favorite bread of a crow? Crow-issant.
What did the angry witch do after sitting on her broomstick?
She flew off the handle.
Fake ramen noodles are also called the impasta.
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden.
An arrogant gazelle walks up to a bunch of lions and tells them how much better he is than them.
He was consumed by pride.
What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
Why are environmentalists attracted to electricity?
It’s natural.
I tried my hand at cinematography, but it didn't really pan out.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Franz Joseph constantly sour about everything because he was always Haydn.
Two TV antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married...
The ceremony was boring but the reception was brilliant.
Everyone teased the snowman for having a pointy nose, but he didn’t carrot all.
My wife said she wants me to consider purchasing a decent telescope for the family to use.
I told her I’d look into it.
Where do robots go for fun?
The circuits.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
What did dinosaurs have that no others animals ever had? Baby dinosaurs!
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
When a big giant eel takes your hand for a meal...
...that’s a moray.
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
I did it! Dad said to save my money til my balance looks like a phone number.....
Available balance: $9.11.
Have you heard about the guys who stole a truck full of broccoli and cauliflower? They had to really floret to get away.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrush’s throat.
When should you go on a cheese diet? If you need to cheddar a few pounds
What's a freezer's favorite time period?
The ice age!
Mother always knows best. But when winter comes around, Mother Nature snows best.