How many students does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They use CFLs!
What did the Christmas tree tell his crush? I pine for you.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Evolution is so strange. Dolphins started off as sea creatures, then evolved to have legs, only to eventually return to the sea and lose them.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
There was so much crackling on the line, I thought a pig was disturbing the phone.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What do you call a bully on Halloween? A jerk-o-lantern.
What do you call a month’s worth of rain?
England.
What was the owl’s favorite Whitney Houston song?
Owl always love you.
"You bake me crazy."
What do you call a camper driving through frozen rain?
Van Hailin’.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What do you call a Pig with three eyes?
Piiig.
Never trust math teachers who use graph paper.
They're *always* plotting something.
Someone stole my cutlery set, but we were unable to identify the thief
It was stainless steel.
You mermake me happy.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What did the female dinosaur call her blouse making business? Try Sara's Tops
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
Why did the mammoth have a woolly coat?
Because he would have looked ridiculous in an anorak.
When I asked the bus driver for directions, it was a 'bus stop' service!
Why are dragons such good story tellers?
Because they have long tails.
Two snakes parted.
The first one said, “Fangs for the memories”.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
How to spot the best mechanic?
The brightest bulb.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
You might be able to use a smuggled cell phone in prison.
You just have to have cell coverage.
What do you call it when cows do battle in outer space?
Steer Wars.
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
Mascara and lipstick broke up last week.
Now they are trying to make-up!
Restrooms in restaurants often have a sign saying "Employees must wash hands".
But after waiting hours, no one has ever helped me with mine!
Why does the little mermaid wear sea shells?
Cause B-shells are too small, and D- shells are too big.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Udon even know how to cook this udon recipe. Fortunately, I can teach you.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Where do horses live in Harry Potter?
Diagonal Alley.
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Did you hear about the elf that quit Santa's workshop?
He was a rebel without a Claus.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.