Would you rather kiss a shark or a jellyfish?
A jellyfish. That’s a no-brainer.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
Remind me not to get into another pillow fight... the risk for a concushion is too big.
In ancient Egypt, how did insects communicate?
Pharaoh moans
What did one tidepool say to the other tidepool?
Show me your mussels!
How did cars protect themselves during the medieval age?
They would dig an M.O.T. around them.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Sunshine on a Woman's Day?
Broad-day light.
What do you call a weary Viking conqueror?
Bluetooth low energy
BREAKING: The United States, after mistaking it for an Iranian submarine, has struck a utility submarine with an underwater torpedo that was en route to displace the shipping carrier blocking the Suez Canal, killing all 169 aboard
whoops wrong sub
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
Water you doing?
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
How are snow boards and vacuum cleaners alike?
Both have dirt bags on board.
Why do comedians hate telling jokes at zombie night?
All they hear is groans.
Don't be too harsh on the bread. All it kneads is love.
Who is the penguins favourite aunt?
Aunt Arctica
How are waiters and blockers similar? When they do a good job, they get a big fat tip.
Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes printed on the sides?
So that when they return to port they can scandinavyin.
How did the gambler know his hand would stink?
Because he was holding deuces.
Whats a good Spanish sports channel?
ESBieN.
If some of Fred Flintstone's neurotransmitters could talk, what would they say?
"Gaba-Daba-Do!"
Where did the onion find his family history?
In the archives
WOOD you tell give some wood puns?
I rang the doctor on our way to the hospital, and said, "Quick! my pregnant wife is going into labor, what should I do?"
He said, "Is this her first child?"
I said, "Of course not, this is her husband!"
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
What do you call a parrot that flew away?
A polygon.
Why did the ski instructor's love life always go downhill? The first thing the ladies noticed about him was his giant slalom.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
Have you ever seen a baby dragon eating ice cream?
It'll melt your heart.
I once decided to buy a baseball stadium. But my agent said he could only give me a ballpark estimate!
What’s it like to kiss a vampire?
A real pain in the neck!
Q: What do you call a gust of wind that blows a tall guys onto a basketball court?
A: The NBA draft
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
If you have a parrot, it says a lot about you!
Did you hear about the Italian chef with the terminal illness?
He pastaway. Now he’s just a pizza history.
I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.
But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.
If Van Gogh were alive today, what might the title of his autobiography be called?
The STARRY of My Life
My Dermatologist was fired today...
He made too many rash decisions.
I accidentally sat on a medieval stained glass window at the antique store...
That was a royal pane in the ass.
He’s my pinch charming.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
What do murderers drink? Cruel-tea.