Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
Witches get sore joints because they have broom-atism.
I recently met a musical group of pirates.
They called themselves A-Band-On-Ship.
I just wanted to make a good frost impression.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
What do the early European settlers in America have in common with ants?
They both lived in colonies!
Who babysits young Bigfoots?
Sasq-watcher.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
Thirty-three thousand people think that Thursday is their thirtieth birthday.
You’re a cutie 3.14159265359
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Did you know that you only need two letters to spell Panda?
You just need P and A.
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
What did one chandelier say to the other?
I have friends in the high places.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Tie twine to three tree twigs.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Why did the zombie eat a light bulb?
Because he wanted a light snack.
What do you call a group of whale musicians?
An orca-stra.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
How about the most dangerous mountain in the world? Kill-a-man-jaro.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.
What do you call a turtle chef?
A slow cooker.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
"Happy Easter to all my peeps."
What do you call a guy who believes in ethical treatment of spiders?
Peta Parker.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
My HOA agreement has a statement mandating we have an inflatable Santa displayed in our yard during December.
There is a Santa clause.
A cup of coffee is the ideal start to a brew-tiful morning!
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Why did the little British boy become an Ancient Egyptian Historian?
Because he wanted his mummy to be proud him.
The ref keeps shafting us the offsides; I think he's blue lyin'.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
Did you hear about the boy who had to do a project on trains? He had to keep track of everything!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
Reading whilst sunbathing? You must be well-red!
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Pig…
Pig who?
Pig on someone your own size!
What did the teenage crow want for his birthday? A brand new caw!
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.