Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What’s the freshest herb you can find in April?
Spring-thyme!
How can Irish people tell when it’s summer?
The rain gets warmer.
What do you call a drunk person fumbling with their car keys?
A taxi
What is a bird that flies over a football field called?
A fieldgull.
Flamingos are great at social events; they flamingle really well.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
Why did Chanel sue a company which came out with its own "No. 5" perfume?
They thought it was a fragrant violation of the law.
Did you want to hear the joke about the mountain? Never mind, you would never get over it.
Why couldn't the little witch read her spellbook?
It was written in curse-ive.
I'll do algebra, I'll do trigonometry, I'll even do statistics...
But graphing is where I draw the line!
Why did the portrait artist take a side job as a census taker? Because he was great at canvassing people.
How do you get down off an penguin?
You don’t – you get down off a duck.
Used to never be able to use the WiFi at my farm until I moved my router to the barn.
Now I have a stable connection.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
When one of them have a birthday, turtles call for a shell-ebration.
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What happened when the zombie refused to pay its ticket from the police?
It was facing grave consequences.
What kind of TV does a skeleton watch?
A skelevision.
Where does a penguin go when it loses its tail?
A re-tail store.
What animal jumps when it walks and sits when it stands?
A kangaroo.
Why did the lamps get arrested?
They were in some shady business
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Oh laundry, sometimes I feel like our first president...
Because I am washing-a-ton.
Why did the otter cross the road? To prove to the possum that it could be done!
Do you always play this badly at the net? Because I don’t like your approach.
I visited Spain and couldn't stop looking at the architecture
It was very Moorish.
It doesn't matter if my wife tells me Im not mature
Im not going to let her enter my tree house without the right password.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Why did the zombie stop teaching?
He only had one pupil!
What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
How did the avocado feel after a day at the gym? Hard core.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
What do you call a quiet sheep?
A shhhhhhh-eep.
I followed my heart to you.
What’s Irish and comes out in the spring?
Paddy O’Furniture.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Accordion
Accordion who?
Accordion to the forecast, it's going to rain tonight.
I was boiling vegetables in the saucepan the other day when my wife went to move it...
I said careful, it’s got a leek in it.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
What's more amazing than a talking turkey? A spelling bee!
Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
What did one angry werewolf say to the other?
- I have a bone to pick with you!
My professor accused me of plagiarizing.
His words, not mine.