What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What would a crow wear to the Halloween party? A crown!
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
I was at an office conference this past autumn. I made a new friend and when I asked for his contact details, he said, "Here is my November!"
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?
Ham boogers.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Building a good makeup design always starts with a good foundation.
Q: What was Cleopatra's favorite type of flower?
A: Chrysantha-mummies.
What's a nervous person's favorite drink?
Insecuri tea!
Why can't tomatoes ever beat lettuce in a race?
Because lettuce is always a head, and tomatoes have to ketchup!
How were these puns about puns?
They were pun-questionably pun-fortunate!
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "That's a door"
It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...
ever lose their son Tim in a forest.
Mistakes happen.
No need to terrier-self up about it.
The female janitor at my office asked me if I would like to smoke some weed with her.
I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
Be careful out there during the snowstorm. It ain't snow joke.
What's the difference between a colorful women's garment and a famous live music venue?
One's a house of blues, the other's a blouse of hues.
What type of cat lives under the sea? A purr-maid.
Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.
My electrician friend accidentally blew the power to the ice-making factory. Now they’ve gone into liquidation.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Bobby Bippy bought a bat.
Bobby Bippy bought a ball.
With his bat Bob banged the ball
Banged it bump against the wall
But so boldly Bobby banged it
That he burst his rubber ball
"Boo!" cried Bobby
Bad luck ball
Bad luck Bobby, bad luck ball
Now to drown his many troubles
Bobby Bippy's blowing bubbles.
What did the crow decide to dress up as on Halloween? As a scarecrow.
Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
What job did Dracula’s son have on his little league team?
Bat boy!
Where did Velociraptor buy things? At a dino-store!
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
Where do bus drivers eat their lunches? In a traffic jam.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
What Do You Say To A One Legged Hitch Hiker
Hop In.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
Take off all your cloves.
What brand of hand soap do telephone operators use? Dial.
Why aren’t skeletons good at poker?
You can see right through them.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
How do you catch an electric eel?
You can catch an electric eel with a lightning rod!
Spending time at the pool really floats my boat.
Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.
Mr. and Mrs. Turner had a baby girl.
They named her Paige, and they just couldn't put her down.