You’re my heartthrob.
Why are there so many ruts in the ice at the rink?
The maintenance crew must be slipping up.
Where do all the cool mice live? In their mousepads.
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
What do you call a dinosaur that's a noisy sleeper? A Bronto-snorus.
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
What is a beaver's most favorite song ever? You made me a, you made me a beaver, beaver.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Are sasquatches superstitious?
Yes, they always knock on wood!
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
What do you call a hangover when you're alone in Spain?
Barf-a-lona.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
Why do trolls live under bridges?
To troll goats!
Where does an elf family stay when on vacation?
At a Ho-ho-ho-tel!
Vampires can always Count on Dracula.
I came across a great movie about a semi-truck with a defective refrigeration unit that had to deliver a large shipment of meat.
Unfortunately, the trailer spoiled it.
Two trucks – one carrying strawberries and one carrying sugar – crashed. Drivers didn’t stop, and now the jam is getting thicker.
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
What do you call a chicken that was struck by lightning?
Air fried.
When the elves are clapping for their boss, we call it Santapplause.
My realtor sold me a two-story house.
One story before the offer, another story after the offer.
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What do you call a snowman party?
A snowball.
I had an instant connection with someone in South Korea. I think they're my Seoul mate.
I told the artist that his painting was terrible. I think he got the picture.
What kind of fish performs brain surgery?
A neurosturgeon.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
What is a neuron's favorite television channel?
The Ion Channel
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
What does Spider-man become when he joins the circus?
an aracnobat.
Why can't a pirate count Roman numerals?
They got lost at C
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Mountains aren’t just funny. They’re hill areas.
What did the broken hearted skeleton say?
After all to-marrow is another day.
What did they give former Flyers left-winger Brian when he successfully
bulked up? Massive Propps.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
I’m a hardcore believer in the “i before e except after c” rule
It’s science.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Why do werewolves do well at school?
Because every time they’re asked a question, they come up with a snappy answer!
My dad was the top clown at the circus, but unfortunately he passed away.
I guess I have some pretty big shoes to fill.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.
There’s a lot of proposals on cleaning up space in earth’s orbit from broken satellites.
Looks like they’ll need a vacuum cleaner.