For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
They say everything gets better with age.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
More candles means a bigger wish!
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
Does a green candle burn longer than a pink candle? No they both burn shorter.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I keep telling my wife I want a Segway for my birthday.
But every time I bring it up, she changes the topic.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
I know birthdays get worse as you get older. But look at the bright side — not too many left now.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
You are aged to perfection.
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"