What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What is the difference between Barry Zito and bowling icon Walter Ray Williams, Jr.?
Walter Ray Williams, Jr. knows how to throw a strike.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
I can't hear out of my ear...
It's really EAR-itating.
A mime in our town was arrested yesterday after he got into a bar fight and broke his left arm.
He still has the right to remain silent.
What did the baby goat say to his father?
I kid you not.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What is a cat’s favorite state of America? Connecti-cat.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What’s a vampire’s favorite cocktail?
A Bloody Mary.
My sister had twins, a boy and a girl, and asked for help naming them.
She liked my suggestion of calling the girl Denise, but had second thoughts when I suggested calling the boy Danephew.
I see fewer and fewer rainbow tie-dye t-shirts these days. It's a dying art.
My uncle moved to Spain to sing on stage by night and sell UPVC windows by day. He changed his name to....
Enrique Doubleglazius.
I can’t afford to pay for electricity anymore; these are some dark times.
I don’t know why everyone is so upset about untraditional family structures, it’s been happening in the animal world for years. For example, all water buffalos have three parents.
One oxygen buffalo and two hydrogen buffalos.
"An Easter bonnet can tame even the wildest hare."
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
Why should you be cautious of a Finnish submarine captain?
He’ll sink ye.
On our way to buy a refrigerator, I saw my husband carrying a piece of paper with a giant X written on it. I asked, “What are you going to do with it?”
He said, “Let’s cross that fridge when we get there.”
Where are dramatic hard drives from?
Oh I/O
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Let’s take an elfie.
How do werewolves eat lunch?
They wolf it down.
Why did the banana tree have to make a doctor’s appointment during the hurricane? Her fruit was peeling under the weather.
What do you call a bear that jumps but never lands?
Peter Panda.
What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
What did the hippocampus say during its retirement speech?
"Thanks for the memories."
What do you give a sick snake?
Asp-rin.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What did the Inuit say to to Englishman After he wanted some seal?
"I've got Nunavut."
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
They planet.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose? A collie-flower!
In the paintball game, I shot a guy thrice. He dyed on impact.
Son: What happens when white blood cells fail to protect us from an infection?
Dad: Their effort goes in vein.
Where to Bees go to party in Spain?
Ibiza.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
An electrolyte and a solvent are talking in jail.
Solvent: What are you in for?
Electrolyte: A salt charge.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
What is the trees favorite fruit? Pine-apple.
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda
If you can't beat them...
Just have your eggs fried.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. I paid my $2 and he said...
Once upon a time there was this lobster...
Witch doctors write their prescriptions in curse-ive.
Wanna know why I like to do yard work?
It really takes the hedge off!
What do dogs eat for breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
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