Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
What is a doctor's favorite element?
Healium.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
*nurse flips on a light switch*
“The Doctor will see you now.”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
"Doctor Doctor I feel like a supermarket"
How long have you been feeling like this?
"Since I was Lidl."
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why was the doctor doing diarrhia research scared?
He had seen some sh*t go down.
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