“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
There's a German butcher around the corner from the hospital.
Just in case someone takes a turn for a wurst.
I dated a doctor once. Big mistake.
She was a Psycho.
Why did the wizard rush to the hospital?
He had a staff infection.
Why do travel nurses and boxers get along?
They know how to stick and move.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
Why don't mining towns have hospitals?
Because everyone there only ever suffers from minor injuries.
Earlier, I tried to sneak into the Star Trek convention disguised as the starship's doctor.
Security soon discoverd, however, I wasn't the real McCoy.
If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
“While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.”
“PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.”
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
I met a Russian nurse, she was employee of the month, I asked if she'd won anything. She said "Da, award."
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Nurse: You can come by at 6 today. Very little patients today.
Man: What happened to the normal sized patients?
My friend gave birth in the car on the way to the hospital
Her husband named the kid Carson.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
Why can't TLC be nurses?
Because they don't want no scrubs.
The best way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
The surgeon was fired later that day.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic.
She got a divorce the next day.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
“There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'”
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
During labor, the nurse came up to my wife and said, “How about epidural anesthesia?”
I said, “Thanks, but we already picked a name.”
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
What do you call an alligators nurse?
Gator-aid.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
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