How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
Doctor doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains
Doctor: Pull yourself together
Nurse: Are you allergic to anything?
Man: Burnt bread.
Nurse: You're allergic to burnt bread?!?
Man: Yes, I’m black toast intolerant.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Me: I have an appointment to see the doctor.
Nurse: which doctor?
Me: No, just the regular one
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
"And this is the amputation wing of the hospital. It used to be a lot bigger."
Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?
So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
As the taxi raced towards the hospital, my wife cried, "The baby's coming! Don't stop the car! I can't make it! DON'T! CAN'T! WON'T!"
"Driver, hurry!" I implored. "Her contractions are getting closer together!"
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?
He never recovered.
What do doctors use to diagnose chickens?
Eggsray.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?
In case she needed to draw blood.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.
“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
I was in the hospital the other day and the nurse asked how I was doing; I told her I was fine until my bladder had to go and get infected.
I mean, the gall...
What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
He used to be a doctor but he lost his patience.
Dogs can't operate an MRI machine, but Catscan.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
There’s a new drama featuring herbivore doctors.
It’s called Graze Anatomy.
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
The nurse in the hospital gave me an entire crate of the wrong medicine AND it was outdated! I almost died!
I got a bad case of poison I.V.
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
“Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.”
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
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