If anyone has any advice for cosmetic surgery that’s gone terribly wrong...
My wife is all ears.
My doctor didn’t show up to the appointment about my hairline.
He said it got pushed back
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
The Doctor could tell right away the bucket was sick.
It was looking a bit pale.
Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can't hide?
The ICU.
Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
Doctor: ‘Sit down and don’t stir.’
Wife was in the hospital and the nurse said she was calling the doctor to put in an IV
When he showed up, I said to him "I thought there'd be four of you".
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
As my wife was giving birth, all the doctors and nurses started yelling, “Push! Push!”
I was convinced it was a Pull door.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
“Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.”
Why did the bunny go to the hospital?
Because he needed a hopperation.
A man lost his toe when he dropped a knife on it:
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Guy: "Whats the bad news?"
Doc: "They replaced your toe with a piece of candy."
Guy: OMG, and the good news?
Doc: You now have a tic tac toe.
“URINE: opposite of ‘you’re out.'”
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
How does herpes get out of the hospital ?
On crotches.
I only need a prescription for like half of my kitchen cabinets.
The rest are over the counter
The doctor told me I shouldn’t eat alphabet soup.
I suffer from irritable vowel syndrome.
What did the nurse at the blood bank say to the nervous patient?
B positive
My first date with an Emergency department nurse was a casual tea.
Once there was a doctor who got shot. He adamantly wanted to perform surgery on himself, despite all of the other surgeons saying that he shouldn't.
But he was so insistent that they finally said "Fine, suture self."
“I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.”
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
Why did the little birdie go to the hospital?
To get tweetment.
My friend went on a date with a Cardio Nurse
His heart was racing the whole time.
Did you hear about the boy that went missing in the hospital?
Turns out he was just playing peek-a-boo ICU
Did you know that doctors that perform circumscisions don’t make a lot of money for those operations?
They only get paid in tips.
Nurse: Wow, that cut looks pretty bad...want me to stitch it up for you?
Me: No, thanks.
Nurse: Fine. Suture self.
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Doctor, I keep peeing my pants! What can I do?
Urologist: “It’s mind over matter, urine control.”
Did you know you can hear the blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
What kind of doctor is always available?
An on-call-ogist.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor.
People often stare at my back-alley cosmetic surgery to remove half of my brain...
I have half a mind to tell them where to go.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Ya know, I was supposed to be a doctor.
But I just didn’t have the patience.
I applied to be a sperm donor recently and the nurse asked me if I could masturbate in the cup.
I told her I’ve done it a few times before but I don’t know if I’m ready to compete in a tournament.
How do you cheer up the patients at the vegetable hospital?
Bring a sick beet.
What did the doctor say to the nurse that was attractive to the patient with the staph infection?
"Why are you so abscess-ed with him?"
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital.
He was on a fairway to heaven.
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
I rushed to my local hospital only to find that it had been converted into a library
Talk about having to suffer in silence
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What did the police arrest the hospital patient for?
He was under cardiac arrest.
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