What do you call an Irish dancer having a heart attack?
Michael flatline.
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
Did you hear about the cardiologist who went to great lengths to win the heart of a hematologist?
It was all in vein.
Did you hear about the bear with the bad heart?
It went into kodiak arrest.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy.
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
I lub dub you with all my heart.
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!
Home is where the heart is.
When it came to tilling his garden by hand, he put a lot of heart into it.
He was gung hoe.
A golfer had a heart attack and died on the way to the hospital. He was on a fairway to heaven.
Doctor said I’m at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
My mom always says that the stomach is the best way to a man’s heart. That’s why she is a bad surgeon.
Grandpa: “Don’t scare me, I’m a heart patient.”
“If you scare me, I’ll never talk to you again.”
Are you a locksmith? Because you hold the key to my heart.
What has a head but no body, a heart but no blood, leaves but no branches and grows without wood?
Lettuce
You’re my heartthrob.
My mate Gavin passed away from heartburn last week.
Still can’t believe Gaviscon
Why did the little girl color her paper heart pink rather than red?
She was feeling lighthearted.
What did the dinosaur say to his lover?
You make my heart saur!
You must be a defibrillator because you are sending shocks directly to my heart.
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
I heard a heart wrenching story recently.
A car mechanic became a cardiac surgeon.
You’ve stolen my heart. I hereby place you under cardiac arrest.
What’s the best tool to have when your heart sinks?
A Jack of Hearts.
"I have a joke about hearts, but I don't think you will get it."
"Why?"
"Because it is an inside joke."
Two blood cells can meet and fall in love with each other, but it is all in vein.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
I wish that I could be the coronary artery of my wife so that I would be wrapped around her heart.
A man who makes tie dye shirts was trying to borrow money to expand his small business. While filling out the paperwork, he had a heart attack and collapsed, spilling bottles of colored dye all over his documents.
The poor man dyed a loan.
My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.
I have a heart-on for you.
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
Scientist are shocked after discovery of a new african bee species that can keep on flying even after their heart stops.
Local tribes in fear of a zombee apocalypse
I love my wife with all my butt! I should have to say heart, but my heart is actually smaller than my butt.
What does a pirate with heart failures need?
Anti-arrrrrrrrrrhythmics.
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
What do you call it when you try to woo someone with 50% of a Valentine?
A halfhearted attempt.
The Mad Hatter and the Queen of Hearts had a rental agreement
A lease in Wonderland.
I find that the quickest way to man's heart
is with a very very sharp knife.
One or two hours warm my heart,
But 24 hours make my day.
Someone asked me to sing a line from "Don't go breaking my heart"
I couldn't if I tried.
You should follow your heart, but keep in mind to take your brain too.
“I told you Doc!! I’ve got fatigue and my heart keeps skipping a beat! Why do you keep calling me a liar??
Doctor: “Sir, I’ll say it again, that’s A Fib!”
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
My cardiologist friend keeps sending me x-rays of his chest.
A bit weird, I know, but it just shows his heart is in the right place.
What kind of car did the heart surgeon drive to work?
A beater.
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