For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
How do pickles celebrate their birthdays? They relish them.
Why do pieces of popcorn always have great birthdays? Because they’re always popping!
My dad got me a clone of myself for my birthday...
He said “Here, it’s faux you!”
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
For my wife's birthday, I bought her some beads for her abacus
It's the little things that count.
You know you are getting older when the candles don’t fit on the cake.
I don't get why a kid in my son's Pre-K class gave everyone an inflatable sword as a party favor for their birthday.
It's pointless.
My girlfriend made me one of those sculpted 3D cakes for my birthday but wouldn't stop reminding me how it took her all day to decorate it..
..which is surprising since to me it looked like a piece of cake.
For the record, you’re not old, you’re a classic.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
Behind every great parent is a great kid. Happy birthday!
You feta have a gouda birthday.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
You are one candle closer to starting a house fire.
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
“Dad, why do you always wrap my birthday gifts in this weird fabric?”
Dad: I just wanted to.... make my presents felt.
This whole birthday thing is getting old, don’t you think?
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
For my birthday, my friends gave me a bunch of dirt and sand.
I appreciated the sediment.
Forget about the past, you can’t change it. Forget about the future, you can’t predict it. Forget about
the present, I didn’t get you one.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
The only thing I got for my wife on her birthday was a big helium balloon.
It didn’t go down very well.
I gifted my girlfriend a star for her birthday
I think its perfect, she said she needed some space.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
You are aged to perfection.
It was my wife's birthday the other day
I took her to an orchard and we stood there for 20 minutes.
Apparently it wasn't the Apple watch she wanted.
For my birthday, my kids got me an alarm clock that swears at you instead of beeping.
That was quite a rude awakening.
I’m a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday.
I don’t know what to make of it.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
What goes up but never comes down? Your age!
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
They say everything gets better with age.
Congrats on proving that getting older doesn’t mean getting wiser.
People keep getting me clocks for my birthday.
Time and time again.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
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