Since it's Mothers Day weekend, I decided to make sure my wife woke up with a BIG SMILE on her face this morning...
Now I can't have Sharpies in the house anymore.
My twin brother was being rude to our mother on the phone, so I pushed him out of the window...
Now I am being charged with making an "obscene clone fall."
I showed my mom my report card, she said that she needed to see more A's
I said OKAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?"
Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
What holiday do we celebrate in May to remember all the mothers we lost in the past year?
Momorial Day
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.
I made several good points.
I got down on one knee and asked her if she'd be the mother to my kids, she said yes...
Guess who's gonna find a bunch of losers in a box tomorrow morning at their doorstep.
A mother mountain says to her moody teenage mountain “don’t you give me that altitude!!”
Ignore your mother's bad joke, son...
It's a faux pa.
My mother always laughed at me when I told her my dream was to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should of seen her face when I drove pasta.
My mother asked me if my dog was good
I said “Yeah. And my hot dog isn’t bad either.”
When Dumbo’s mom was pregnant, no one would talk about it.
It was the elephant in the womb.
My mom told me to stop singing "Im a Believer" because it was annoying.
At first I though she was kidding...Then I saw her face.
If your mom slaps you with high frequency -
It Hertz
My mother's mother lost her false teeth at the retirement home. We searched the place everywhere but couldn't find them.
We looked in every nook and granny!
My wife left a note on the fridge that said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”
I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the hell did she mean?
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
She's my aunt
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
My mom is a metalurgist
I asked her the other day: "Which metal do you prefer to work with? Gold or silver?"
She said: "Either ore."
I once pranked my mom and told her that I had lyme disease
I still had a few ticks up my sleeve
Son, your mother died. It happened when she choked on her dinner from laughing.
You could say I have a killer sense of humor.
One of my mother's friends asked if she could be a surrogate
I guess she was just looking for a womb for rent.
Mom was a milk maid and dad worked the meat grinder at the local butcher. When they got married they took their vows very seriously.
They really meant it was for butter or for wurst.