Two blonds drive to the local mall to do some shopping.
When they come back to their vehicle, they find they they had locked their keys in the car.
One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the other one watches.
Finally the first blond says "Darn, I can't get in the car!"
The other blond replies, "keep trying! It looks like it is going to rain and the top is down!"
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.
One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.
She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.
The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, “This is for washing our hair.”
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
“The curlers are on me.”
Betsy and Dan were married for 25 years. They were famous for fighting and generally disliking each other. One the 26th year Dan had a heart attack and died.
A few days later Betsy walks into the local newspaper's office and asks to post an obituary.
The Ad Editor informs her, "We can do 4 lines with a maximum of 80 words for $100".
"Nah." She says, "That's a a lot of money and he didn't do much. What else you got?"
"Ok," Says the editor awkwardly. "We can do 3 lines and a maximum of 25 words for $35."
"Nope, still too expensive..." She grimaces. "What else ya got?"
Flustered, the ad man wants to get her out the door and tells her, "We have the economy options - 2 lines, 5 words max, $5."
She agrees. So he fills out the order and asks, "okay, what do you want it to say?"
She thinks for a moment and then says:
"Dan's dead. Car for sale."
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.
The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!
The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel.
The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.
Gathering strength, he gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes into a bar, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying, but wasn't drunk.
About half an hour later two guys walked in the same bar and one said to the other: "Look, Pepe, that's the bastard that got in the car while we were pushing it!"
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first.
So, he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch, and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he found that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did.
When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument, but still without success.
Finally, he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service hot line with his cell phone (thank God for cell phones!).
"Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?"
"Don't worry," replied the customer service rep.
"The machine will release automatically once it's collected two gallons. Have a nice day!"
A man walks up to the counter. "Two pairs of underwear please." The man behind the counter looks at him in disbelief.
"Only two pairs of underwear?"
"Yup. I wear one while the other is in the wash."
The man behind the counter looks at him in disgust, then rings out his order.
A second man walks in. "5 pairs of underwear please."
"Only 5 eh?"
"Yeah, I wear one for every weekday, then go commando all the weekend."
The man behind the counter shakes his head. "Well, you're better then the last guy!"
A third man walks in. "7 pairs of underwear please."
"Finally, a man who knows hygiene!"
"Yes, I do try. One for every day, and I do my laundry on Sunday."
At the end of the day, a fourth man walks into the underwear store. "12 pairs of underwear please."
"Wow! You must be really clean!"
The man smiles. "Yup, that's me! Err, hang on, let me see if I counted right. January, February, March, April..."
“The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out.“
Unknown
“I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog:
‘No good in a bed, but fine up against a wall’ ".
Eleanor Roosevelt
“The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning, and a good ending; and have the two as close together as possible.”
George Burns
“Santa Claus has the right idea ... visit people only once a year.”
Victor Borge
“What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.”
Mark Twain
“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
Groucho Marx
“My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.”
Jimmy Durante
“The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.”
Jilly Cooper
“I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.”
“I was always a good housekeeper. Whenever I divorced I always kept the house.”
Zsa Zsa Gabor
“Only Irish coffee provides, in a single glass, all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.”
Alex Levine
“My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.”
Ed Furgol
“Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.”
Spike Milligan
“I am opposed to millionaires, but it would bedangerous to offer me the position.”
Mark Twain
“Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.”
Herbert Henry Asquith
“I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.”
Bob Hope
“A woman drove me to drink ... and I hadn't even the courtesy to thank her.”
W C Fields
“It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth, or the fourteenth.”
George Burns
“We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.”
Unknown
“Don't worry about avoiding temptation... As you grow older, it will avoid you.”
Unknown
Doctor to patient: “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.”
Unknown
“By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.”
Unknown
Some signs either make no sense or too many!
On a bathroom door:
"Toilet out of order. Please use floor below."
In a laundromat:
"Automatic washing machines: please remove all your clothes when the light goes out."
In a london department store:
"Bargain basement upstairs."
In an office:
"Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday
Please bring it back? Or further steps will be taken."
Outside a secondhand shop:
"We exchange anything bicycles, washing machines, etc.
Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain?'
Notice in health food shop window:
"Closed due to illness."
Spotted in a safari park:
"Elephants please stay in your car."
Seen during a conference:
"For anyone who has children and doesn't know it,
There is a day care on the 1st floor."
Notice in a farmer's field:
"The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free,
but the bull charges."
Message on a leaflet:
"If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons."
On a repair shop door:
"We can repair anything. (please knock hard on the door
The bell doesn't work)."
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,
"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."
In response to Bill's comments, Ford issued a press release stating:
"If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this):
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash - twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7. The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
An elderly man rear ends a young man driving an expensive sports car.
Enraged, the guy hops out of his car and confronts the old man. “Look what you did to my car” he yells. “you’re gonna give me $10,000 right now or I’m gonna beat you to a pulp!”
“Oh my” says the old man, "I don't have that kind of money. Let me call my son, he trains dolphins and he’ll know what to do."
"Dolphins...", the other driver huffs, while rolling his eyes. The old man pulls out his phone, dials his son and just as the son answers, the irate man snatches the phone away from the old man.
"So, YOU’RE a dolphin trainer, huh? Well, your old man here just rear ended my car and I need ten grand right now or I’m gonna beat you AND your old man to a pulp. So you better train those dolphins to bring you some cash!"
"I’ll be there in 10 minutes." says the voice calmly on the other end.
Exactly ten minutes later a pickup truck pulls up. A huge guy hops out and proceeds to walk calmly towards the bully. Before the enraged young man can speak, the man smoothly rams his head against the other man's forehead. The bully crumples like paper and the other man catches him, leaving him in a heap on the side of the road.
When he’s finished, he walks over to the old man and says:
“For the last time dad... I train seals... Navy Seals…. NOT dolphins.”
A hunter lived alone in the middle of a forest, in a small house by the river. A short distance down a slope in front of his house, he had a garden where he would grow vegetables to supplement his diet of forest game and fish. One morning, he awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and rushing water. Quickly getting dressed and stumbling outside, he saw the river had flooded. Overflowing its banks, the waters swelled and flowed past, getting ever so closer to the hunter's abode. It would not reach the house, the hunter observed, for it had the higher ground. But there was no hope for the vegetable garden -- it was only a matter of minutes before the floodwaters would wash over it, ruining his harvest for that season.
"Godda**it," the hunter muttered.
Right before the hunter's eyes, a bolt of lightning struck the bank at the other side of the river, followed by a deafening clap of thunder and a massive explosion. Trees, rocks and chunks of dirt flew hundreds of feet into the air!
No sooner had the debris started falling back to the ground when a monstrous tornado blew in from parts unknown and scooped them right up again. The tornado headed straight towards the river, uprooting more trees and rocks in its path, carving a deep gouge into the earth.
As soon as the tornado blew across the river, there was another flash of lightning and deafening clap of thunder. The tornado disappeared as quickly as it had materialized. The uprooted trees, rocks and dirt crashed into the river, diverting its waters into the deep gouge in the earth. The floodwaters receded, having come within inches of the hunter's vegetable garden.
Having witnessed the whole extravaganza from start to finish, the hunter could only stare, wide eyed, his legs shaking and mouth hanging stupidly open. It was a while before he finally managed to speak.
"Whoa."
Then, from above him, a voice boomed:
”YOU'RE WELCOME."
A tourist climbed out of his hire-car in downtown Washington, D.C.
He was intent on visiting the White House and take in the city's other world-famous sights, but he felt hungry so he decided to pop into a store to buy himself a snack.
As he pulled up to the curb outside the store, he saw a well-to-do man standing on the sidewalk.
He said to him: "Listen, I'm going to be only a couple of minutes. Would you watch my car while I run into this store?"
"What?" the man huffed. "Do you realize I am a member of the United States Senate?"
"Actually no," the tourist said, "please get the hell away from my car!"
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the on the beach of an island and is immediately surrounded by a group of native warriors.
“I’m done for!” he cries in despair.
“No you are NOT!” - comes a booming voice from all around him. “Listen carefully son, and do exactly what I say. Grab the spear from the man on your left use it to stab their chief in the heart.”
The man grabbed the spear and in a strength born of panic he stabbed the chief, who collapses, dead.
The remainder of the tribe stare at him in disbelief. You could hear a pin drop a 100 feet away.
“Now what???” - the man asked the voice.
And the booming voice answers: “NOW, my son, you’re done for.”
Two blondes were exiting a restaurant when they discovered, to their horror, that they locked their keys in their car.
The one blonde says to the other, "What do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?"
The other one replied, "No, people will think we're trying to break in."
The other one said, "Well do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?"
The other one answered," No, people will think we're too stupid to use the coat hanger."
The other one said, "Well we better think of something quick because it's starting to rain and the sunroof is open."
A cowboy is riding his horse in a small town and decides to stop at a bar to wash the dust of the road off of him. He gets off his horse and ties it to a pole right outside the establishment. He proceeds to walk into the bar and, right after entering, pounds the floor with his foot 3 times. All those present stop and stare at him silently.
"Gentlemen," he says, "my horse is right outside and I need to go to perform my ablutions right now. When I come back, I will go check outside and, if my horse is not there, it will mean everything will have to be just as it was that time when I was in Texas. Don't let it happen here, hear?"
Without uttering another word, the cowboy walks to the washing room and closes the door. Every single person in there starts talking among them and asking 'what was it that happened in Texas?' non-stop without getting an answer from anybody. The bartender certainly didn't know, and it seemed as if nobody had gotten any news yet of what happened in Texas the time the cowboy was there.
The cowboy is taking too long and everybody almost starts panicking and praying for whatever happened in Texas not to happen in there. They get progressively more agitated each minute that passes. The fear in that room grows so strong that nobody leaves his seat or wants to do it at all, not even to check if the horse is still outside or if anything happened with the cowboy.
Luckily, the cowboy comes out walking calmly and fixing his belt. The room gets quiet once again while the cowboy keeps walking towards the exit. He gets to the door, opens it and takes a step outside to check on his horse. With the room still in silence, the cowboy steps back in and looks around with a face of satisfaction.
"Gentlemen, you did well. My horse is still outside. Keep on drinking in peace. Farewell fellows."
Everybody in the bar sigh in relief. As the cowboy walks outside and is climbing on his horse, a guy from the bar comes running to him.
"Sir," the guy says in haste, "you put everybody in the room in deep anxiety for whatever happened in Texas. The tension could be felt in the air as nobody knew what was it that happened over there the time you were in Texas. Sir, please, could you tell me what was it that happened in Texas?"
"Well my horse got stolen," the cowboy said thoughtfully, "I had to go and buy another one."
Dave the ranch hand had just finished up his work for the evening and is about to get into his car when a man dressed in black appears from the bushes with a gun in his hand.
"Give me everything you've got!" he screeches at Dave.
So Dave hands over his money and his wallet, but as the man is about to leave Dave stops him.
"Say..." he says to the robber. "Could you shoot a few bullets in my hat to make it look to my wife like I was truly afraid for my life? She'd think I spent it on booze and gambling otherwise."
The robber had a wife too so he agreed and shot a few holes in Dave's hat.
Dave then asked, "Please shoot a few bullets in the coat while you're at it, I want to look like I fought you and not like a coward."
The criminal sighed and shot the coat.
Then Dave said: "Can you please shoot-"
"please, no more, I'm out of bullets!" said the mugger tiredly.
"That's what I wanted to hear." Smiled Dave unpleasantly. "Now give me back the wallet and some more money for the hat and coat you destroyed before I beat you black and blue!"
A man walks into a bar and briskly orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots.
The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up. The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”
The bartender looks a little surprised, but lines of 12 more shots. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”
The bartender, visibly concerned, fills up 12 more shots and lines them on the bar. The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”
The bartender says “hold up man! You gotta slow down!”
The man says “trust me, if you had what I had, you’d be drinking this fast too.”
“My God,” says the bartender, quietly leaning over the bar he asks, “what do you HAVE?”
“A dollar.”
In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!"
"That's correct." said the old man with a smile.
"Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!"
"Thank you." Said the old man humbly.
"Do you mind if I ask-"
"-How am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man. "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you."
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
"You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am."
"But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "how come your wife is in such great shape too?"
"Well," smiled the old man, "she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five."
I've heard some people are really going crazy from isolation. I'm glad I'm not one of those.
I’ve just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster while drinking coffee and all of us agreed that things are getting bad.
I didn’t mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on everything.
Certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
The sink just said everything is going down the drain.
In the end the iron calmed me down as she said everything will be fine, the situation isn’t that pressing.
The vacuum was very unsympathetic. Told me to just suck it up, but the fan was more optimistic and felt it would all soon blow over!
The toilet looked a bit flushed when I asked its opinion and it didn’t say anything, but the door knob told me to get a grip.
The front door said I was unhinged and then..
The curtains told me to pull myself together!
A blond dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into.
She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher's telephone rings a second time, and the same blond is on the line again.
"Never mind," giggles the blond, "I got in the back seat by mistake."
Five atheists are driving in a car when they pass a church. Two priests are tending the lawns outside the church. As they see the car they wave their hands and point at a sign outside the church says "Beware! The End is Near! Turn yourself around Right Now before it's too late!"
The atheists shout at the priests "Leave us alone you miserable religious fanatics!" and speed away!
Suddenly there is the sound of screeching breaks and a splash!
One priest turns to the other and says "Do you think the sign should simply read 'Bridge out'?"
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too."
The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
I was on a regular drive to work when suddenly a police car flags me down to stop.
I await nervously while he saunters over and raps his knuckles smartly on my window.
Cop: "Do you know why I pulled you over?"
Me: "Because of the-"
Car driving by: HONKKKK
Me: "Because of the-"
2nd car driving by: HONKKKKKKK
Me:
Cop:
Me: "Because of the-"
3rd car driving by: HOOONNNNKKKKKKK!!
Me: Because of my “Honk if you think cops are idiots’’ bumper sticker?
A Georgia State Trooper pulled a car over on I-95 about two miles south of the Georgia/South Carolina state line.
When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to the next city to do a show that night and didn't want to be late.
The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.
The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.
While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.
A drunk good old boy, from S.C., got out and watched the performance briefly. He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.
The drunk replied, "You might as well take my behind to jail, 'cause there's no way in hell I can pass that test."
A man has to drive for a few days to get to his new house.
After a long and tiring drive throughout the night, the driver decides to pull over on the side of the road to take a nap.
A man knocks on the car's window and this wakes the driver from his sleep. The man asks the driver what time it is. The driver looks at his watch and replies, "It's 8 AM" and goes back to sleep.
After a while, another man knocks on the car's window and wakes the driver from his sleep. This man also asks the driver what time it is. The driver replies "It's 8:05 AM" and goes back to sleep.
Sure enough, after a while, again, another man knocks on the car's window and asks the same question. The driver, now annoyed, replies, "It's 8:07 AM". He picks up a piece of paper and writes in bold letters "I don't know what time it is!", sticks it on the car's window and goes back to sleep.
The driver is again woken from his sleep by a knock on his window. The man knocking on the window says, "It's 8:10 AM, you're welcome!"
On his way into the supermarket, a man walked by a cashier, who noticed that his fly was undone. Looking at him, she said, "Your barracks door is open."
Because this is not a phrase men normally use, he carried on walking into the store, feeling a little puzzled. Later, while shopping, a man came up and told him, "Your fly is open."
He zipped up and finished his shopping. Then, remembering what the cashier had told him, he finally understood. So he intentionally got into the line of the same cashier's checkout, the lady who told him about his "barracks door."
He was planning to have a little fun with her. So, when he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing there at attention?"
The lady thought for a moment and said, "No. No I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."
I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.
Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the sun. Tim's eyebrows went up with curiosity. I continued to tell him that the first thing I did that day was to look up the local horse racing track contenders.
Tim raised an eyebrow. I told him that the number 5 contender in the 5th race was named "The Fifth Element." Tim started grinning. Then I told him of what I did to make sure I get my luck working in my favor.
I ate 5 bowls of cereal for breakfast and drank 5 cups of orange juice
I went for a 5 mile jog to feel good.
I spent 5 minutes in the shower washing off.
I dressed in the 5th shirt I found.
I sat in my car for 5 minutes before beginning to drive, then I drove to the racetrack and parked in the 5th stall in the 5th row.
I entered through the 5th admissions gate and bought 5 programs.
I went to the 5th betting window and bet $555 on the 5th horse in the 5th race.
I went and sat in the 5th row of the bleachers making sure there were 5 people sitting on both sides of me.
I settled in and waited for the race to start.
"Well," said Tim. "Did your horse win??!?"
I frowned at Tim and said, "Stupid horse came in 5th."
A blonde lived with two blonde room mates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could. They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blonde roommates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
An Italian guy is out picking up women in Rome. While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After they are done the Italian sits back pleased.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So… you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So….....please.... you FINISH?”
“No no, I’m Swedish!” Says the blonde.
A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone in the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a special scale that would sound a bell and flash lights whenever a soap box weighed less than it should. The line would stop, someone would walk over, remove the defective box, and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory.
A while later, the CEO decides to look at the first week report. Since the scales were put in place, no empty boxes had been shipped out of the factory. Each day about a dozen defective boxes were being removed, which was consistent with the projections. There were almost zero customer complaints and they were gaining market share. The CEO felt the $8 million was well spent.
However, the number of defective boxes picked up by the scales dropped to zero after three weeks. He filed a bug against it and after some investigation, the engineers came back saying the report was actually correct. The scales really weren't picking up any defects because all boxes that got to that point in the conveyor belt were good.
Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the precision scale was installed, and observed just ahead of the new $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 desk fan blowing the empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about.
"Oh, that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over, removing the box and re-starting the line every time the bell rang."
George walks up to Terry bruised. battered and covered in blood...
Terry asks what the hell happened to him. He says "I'm just walking along, minding my own business and this horse comes out of nowhere and knocks me down."
"That explains it, let me call you an ambulance." Says Terry.
George says, "Hold on I haven't finished yet, so I get up, dust myself down and wouldn't you know it? I get knocked down by a car."
"Oh my god, it's a miracle you're still alive, I'll call an ambulance." Says Terry.
George says, "Hold on, I still haven't finished, I get up dust myself down again, I've now got a few cuts and bruises. I catch my breath and I get knocked down by an ambulance." Terry says. "That's it, I'm calling the emergency services."
George says "Wait, I still haven't finished, somehow I survived. I get up, I'm feeling groggy, but then I get hit by a fire truck. I get up swaying side to side. Then a helicopter crashes into me."
Terry say: "it's a miracle that you're still alive, so what happened then?"
"The carnie operator kicked me off the carousel!"
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
From my purchase, this chap took off 10 percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
And he answered, “Because of the Seniors Discount.”
I went to McDonald’s for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, “For you seniors, the coffee is free.”
Understand — I’m not old — I’m merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I’m sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
And people speak softer — can’t hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
and my glasses identify people I meet.
Oh, I’ve slowed down a bit… not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I’m not old… I’m only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see all the damage that chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all white,
But don’t call it gray… saying “blond” is just right.
My car is all paid for… not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, “Old duffer… get off of the road!”
My car has no scratches… not even a dent.
Still, I get all that guff from a punk who’s “Hell bent.”
My friends all get older… much faster than me.
They seem much more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I’ve got “character lines,” not wrinkles… for sure,
But don’t call me old… just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they’re building today
Are so high that they take… your breath all away;
And the streets are much steeper than 10 years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
But I’m keeping up on what’s hip and what’s new,
And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I’m still in the running… in this I’m secure,
I’m not really old… I’m only mature!
A Catholic man goes to confession.
"Forgive me father for I have sinned." He begins.
"Go on my son." says the priest.
"I swore the other day, in the most profane way." says the man.
"Continue." says the priest.
"I was on the golf course and I hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing the fairway."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the priest.
"No father, my ball then ricocheted of the power lines and flew off into the deep rough." said the man.
"Ah, so this must have been when you swore." Said the priest.
"No father, not yet. As I was walking over to the rough to hit my second shot a hawk flew down from the trees, picked my ball up in his beak and proceeded to fly off with it." continued the man.
"Ahhh I see." says the priest "This MUST have been the point where you swore."
"You'd thinks so but no, because as the bird flew over the green the ball fell from its mouth and landed just two feet from the hole."
They both remain quiet for a few seconds, then the priest says: "You missed the f**in' putt, didn't you?"
An old man was walking in the desert with his donkey when he reached a village. The people welcomed him with everything they could, offering him hospitality, taking care of his donkey and feeding him.
While having dinner, he was surprised to be offered camel milk, as it is of notoriously bad taste. He thus asked about it and was told that the village has been cursed with an everlasting drought, and that the people have resorted to saving however little water they could find for crops.
"Truth be told, I am one of the wise.", he said, "I know how to bring you rain. However, you must first bring me a wide bucket full of water, for I need some to bring more."
The next morning, all of the villagers heard of his saying, and started collecting every drop of water they still had in reserve. In the end, there was barely enough to qualify for a bucket, and they gave it to the man.
He then took the water, and walked within his host's house. There, he took off his dirty clothes, and started washing them. A curious one of the kids saw him through the window, and went on to alert everyone around.
By the time they arrived, angry and shouting, it was already too late. The old man has washed all his clothes and was calmly hanging them.
"Shame! Shame on you, old man, for wasting our water when our kids don't have enough to drink!" growled the chief.
But as soon as he finished speaking, the sky darkened as the clouds gathered around the village. It started raining and it did not stop for 5 days straight. People got their fill, and everyone's reserves were overflowing. The old man was treated as a guest of honor and a hero, and the chief apologized profusely for ever doubting him.
Only when he was about to leave, had the kid gathered the courage to ask about how he did it. "It's simple," said the old man "this always happens when I hang my clothes to dry."
One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'am. Could I see your drivers license?"
"What's a license?" replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump. "It's usually in your wallet," replied the officer. After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
"Now may I see your registration?" asked the cop. "Registration..... what's that?" asked the blonde. "It's usually in your glove compartment," said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration. "I'll be back in a minute." said the cop and walked back to his car. The officer called in to the dispatch to run a check on the woman's license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back, "Ummm... is this woman driving a red sports car?" "Yes." replied the officer "Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde?" asked the dispatcher. "Uh... yes." replied the cop. "Here's what you do," said the dispatcher. "give her the stuff back, and drop your pants." "What? I can't do that. It's... inappropriate." exclaimed the cop. "Trust me. Just do it." said the dispatcher, a smile in his voice
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said. The blonde looks down and sighs..... "Ohh no... not another breathalyzer..."
On a freezing cold winter morning, a blonde and her husband were having breakfast when the radio announcer said:
“We’re expecting 8 to 10 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the even-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through.”
Being the helpful wife she is, she bundled up and moved her car.
Next week, same scenario - radio says:
“10 to 12 inches of snow today. Please move your car to the odd-numbered side.”
Out she goes again, moving that car like a champ.
Week three:
They’re sipping coffee when the radio announcer begins, “We’re expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow and you must park…”
And POOF - the power goes out!
The blonde looks panicked and says, “Oh no! I don’t know which side to move the car to now!”
With the calm patience only a man married to a blonde could master, her husband lovingly says, “Sweetheart… why don’t you just leave the car in the garage this time?”
2 policemen went on patrol and at 4 o'clock at night when they suddenly saw an older man walking alone in the street wobbling and barely walking a straight line.
They stopped him for questioning, make sure he's not drunk in public or getting into a car to drive home. "Where does sir come from please?" They asked him.
"I come from the best place in the world!" He answered in a very slushed voice. "This is my favorite bar that has the best drinks and the nicest girls! Each one is friendlier than the next!" The man continued and winked at the cops.
"It sounds like a great place." Said one of the officers. "And where are you going at a time like this? Shouldn't you be in bed?"
"What? sleep!? No way, I'm on my way to a lecture on alcohol addiction and its effects on the body, the harms of smoking and proper social behavior."
"Reaaaally?" an officer said dubiously, exchanging knowing looks with his partner. "Are you sure you didn't drink too much tonight? I seriously doubt anyone is giving lectures on these topics at a time like this."
The man sighed and said, "Tell that to my wife...
A guy gets pulled over by the police, “Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test.”
“I can’t”, the guy says. “I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”
“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “Can’t do that either,” Jim replies, “I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won’t stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death.”
“Okay,” the cop answers. “Then I will need a urine sample.” “Sorry,” says Jim. “I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low.” “Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me.”
“I can’t do that either.” responds Jim.
“Why not?” asks the cop.
“Because I'm completely drunk! I could go to jail!"
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch.
At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray,
"Take only one. God is watching."
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, "Hey, we can take all we want.
God is watching the apples."
I rear-ended a car this morning.
So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get so stressed that little things seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it - he was a little person!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I am NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
A cowboy, who just moved from Wyoming to Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."
Then he smiled. “Hasn't affected my brothers, though."
There were three receptionists at a convention each talking about how dodgy their coworkers were.
The first said "Nobody is more dodgy than car salesmen. My colleagues will patch up a car so that it will drive just far enough away from the yard before it breaks down and then claim that it was in perfect working order."
The second said, "That's nothing, I work in a law office. They'll represent your coworkers in court and make sure that they aren't responsible for that lemon. They're the dodgiest."
"Wow, " the third receptionist said. That hits close to home. I recently bought a car that did exactly that. I drove it to work and parked, but when I came out after work, it wouldn't start. I took the car yard to court and their lawyer successfully argued that they weren't at fault."
"So which was dodgier?" The first asked.
"My colleagues. I work for the local police and while I was sitting in my broken down car in the station car park, trying to get it started, one of my colleagues reversed into me and then arrested me for reckless driving. "
A Blond man is hired to paint the lines on the road.
On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed.
But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.
Disappointed, his boss asks what the problem was.
The Blond replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."
When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk, he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’
I grabbed the nurse...
The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.
Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’
A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’
He said: ‘What?’
A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’
My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’
My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.
I swam the English Channel once.
‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’
Lengthwise?
She’s always smiling. She’s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.
A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’
The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’
A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’
I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!
Three guys are talking in a bar one day. They start talking about how their cars reflect their careers.
The first guy says, "I'm a pimp and so I drive a cheap Escort."
The second guy says, "I'm a herpetologist and so I drive a Dodge Viper."
The third guy says, "I'm a proctologist, and I drive a brown Probe."
A lawyer was standing in a long line to get tickets for Cats, which was making its long-anticipated return to Broadway.
Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands kneading into his back. Startled by this blatant intrusion of personal space, he turned around to find out that it was a complete stranger standing in line behind him doing the kneading.
Giving the stranger a stern look, the kneading stopped for a few minutes, but he felt hands working on his back again soon enough.
"Excuse me," the lawyer asked, "But why are you touching my back, and what on earth makes you think you have the right to do so without asking me first?"
"Oh, I’m so sorry… I'm a chiropractor you see," the man replied, "and sometimes I just can't keep myself from practicing my skills."
"Well, you should really get a hold of yourself – it’s not appropriate to be touching the backs of random men without their permission," the lawyer shot back.
"In fact, I'm an attorney, and you don't see me screwing just any old guy in front of me, do you!?"
A blonde lived with two blonde roommates. She bought a new car, and on the way home from the dealer got caught in a terrible hail storm. Her brand new car was dented all over.
When she got home she called the service department to ask what she should do. They offer to send the car to a mechanic but she'd have to pay for it. She tells them she has absolutely no money. Couldn't they just send someone anyway?
The service chief, being a prankster, told her to wait till the car was cool and then blow hard on the tail pipe, which would pop out all the dents.
A half-hour later her roomies saw her on her knees behind the car, blowing as hard as she could.
They asked what the heck she was doing and she told them, adding in a perplexed tone “But it's not working”.
“You dummy” one of her blond room mates said. “You have to roll up the windows first!“
Rick signs up with the army and gets sent on basic training. When they are handing out rifles, he is at the back of the line and they run out just before they get to him. The Sergeant gives him a stick and tell him to just pretend it's a rifle.
So our hero goes running through the mock battle pointing his stick and yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." The next week, they start bayonet training. Again Rick is at the end of the line and again they run out just before they get to him.
The Sergeant tells him to just pretend he has a bayonet at the end of his pretend rifle. So Rick goes running through the mock battle with his stick yelling, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang. Stabidy, stab, stab,stab." Well the unit finished basic training and gets called up to go into real battle.
Our hapless hero finds himself eventually on a landing craft, hitting the beach. Unfortunately, they have never given him a real rifle and he still has his stick. He is wondering what in the heck he is going to do.
As the unit fights his way inland, Rick mindlessly points his stick at an enemy soldier standing on a hill and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." To his amazement, the enemy soldier falls over dead! So he aims his stick at another and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang."
And that enemy falls over dead!
Now our hero is running madly along, pointing his stick at any enemy soldier he sees, yelling "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." Enemy soldiers are dropping like flies! An enemy jumps out from a bush beside him. Rick points his stick and yells, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab." The other guy drops and writhes in pain.
All of a sudden an enemy soldier comes walking slowly along a path.
Rick carefully aims his stick at the soldier and yells, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang." But the enemy soldier just keeps coming. Rick tries again, "Bangidy, bang, bang, bang!" Nothing. As the enemy soldier gets closer, Rick cries out, "Stabidy, stab, stab, stab."
But the enemy soldier runs right over him, crushing him.
As Rick lies dying, he hears the enemy soldier muttering, "Tankidy, tank, tank, tank."
(This is supposedly a true account recorded in the Police Log of Sarasota, Florida):
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad.
The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.
She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable!
A businessman was in a great deal of trouble.
His business was failing, he had put everything he had into the business, he owed everybody-- it was so bad he was even contemplating suicide.
As a last resort, he went to a priest and poured out his story of tears and woe.
When he had finished, the priest said, "Here's what I want you to do: Put a beach chair and your Bible in your car and drive down to the beach. Take the beach chair and the Bible to the water's edge, sit down in the beach chair, and put the Bible in your lap. Open the Bible; the wind will rifle the pages, but finally, the open Bible will come to rest on a page. Look down at the page and read the first thing you see. That will be your answer, that will tell you what to do."
A year later the businessman went back to the priest and brought his wife and children with him. The man was in a new custom-tailored suit, his wife in a mink coat, the children shining. The businessman pulled an envelope stuffed with money out of his pocket, gave it to the priest as a donation in thanks for his advice.
The priest recognized the benefactor and was curious. "You did as I suggested?" he asked.
"Absolutely," replied the businessman.
"You went to the beach?"
"Absolutely."
"You sat in a beach chair with the Bible in your lap?"
"Absolutely."
"You let the pages rifle until they stopped?"
"Absolutely."
"And what were the first words you saw?"
"Chapter 11."
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car.
After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them.
A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing.
"I'm blessing it," the priest replied.
The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw.
“And what on Earth do you intend to do with that?!?” the priest asked.
“I’ve decided that I want to bless the car as well.” the rabbi replied.
He promptly walked over to the back of the car and sawed two inches off the tailpipe.
According to the Knight-Rider News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed.
The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated, "Wash. Biol. Surv".
Until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
"Dear Sirs: While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you it was horrible."
Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the River. After a few hours just lying about, the smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids - I just don't get it.'
'Well,' said the big Croc, 'What have you been eating?'
'Well, mostly politicians that come here with their mistresses, same as you!' replied the small Croc.
'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'
'On the other side of the river near the car park.'
'Same here. Hmm... Tell me your method. How do you catch them?' asked the big Croc.
'Well, I crawl up under one of their big Lexus, BMW or Mercedes cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the c*ap out of them and eat 'em!'
'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the c*ap out of a Politician, there's nothing much left but an a**hole with a briefcase.'
Three swimmers are on the starting blocks at the Paralympic games.
The first one has no arms, the second one has no legs, and the third one is just a head standing on the block.
The race starts, the first two swimmers jump in and start swimming, someone pushes the head in.
They go at it like crazy and finally, the guy with no legs reaches the finish line.
Everyone cheers, he is so happy, but he looks around and sees bubbles coming from the water.
He dives and grabs the head that was underwater. The head coughs some water and says: "I train for five years to swim with my ears and just before the start some idiot comes and puts a swim cap on me!"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner he wants to buy a pet that can do everything. The shop owner suggests a faithful dog. The man replies, “Come on, a dog?” The owner says, “How about a cat?” The man replies, “No way! A cat certainly can’t do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!” The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, “I’ve got it! A centipede!” The man says, “A centipede? I can’t imagine a centipede doing anything, but okay… I’ll try a centipede.”
He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, “Clean the kitchen.” Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and… it’s immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away. The counter-tops have been cleaned and the appliances are sparkling. Even the floor was waxed. He’s absolutely amazed. He says to the centipede, “Go clean the living room.”
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted and the pillows on the sofa plumped. It even watered the plants.
The man thinks to himself, “This is the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!” Next he says to the centipede, “Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper.” The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later…no centipede. 20 minutes later… no centipede. 30 minutes later… no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what’s going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later… still no centipede!
He can’t imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede? S
o he goes to the front door, opens it…and there’s the centipede sitting right outside. The man says, “Hey! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What’s the matter??!!”
“I’m goin’! I’m goin’! I’m just putting’ on my shoes!”
A man walks into a car dealership. A salesman greets him at the door and after some chatting they end up taking a car for a test drive.
“This car is so quiet sir” exclaims the salesman “the ride is calm and relaxing”.
The man shakes his head “No, I’m buying this car for my wife and I certainly wouldn’t describe her as the ‘quiet and calm’ type”.
The salesman quickly transfers his potential buyer to another car. “Then perhaps this would be more her style! This car is quick, sleek and agile”.
The man sighs “no, my wife is certainly not the ‘sleek’ type by any means.”
Frustrated, the salesman transfers the man to a third car, a sure winner. “Now sir, I happen to know this car is very popular. Nearly every man who has been here has taken it for a test drive-“
“Sold!”
A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a really good dentist, How did you figure THAT out?"
"Didn't feel a thing!"
John went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied: 'They're as clean as cold water can get ‘em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch, the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates, as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked: 'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said: 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.
John yelled: 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted:
'Coldwater, go lay down now, ya hear me!?!'
One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.
All of a sudden, the car broke down.
The Mechanical Engineer said, "I think a rod broke."
The Chemical Engineer said, "The way it sputtered at the end, I don't think it's getting gas."
The Electrical Engineer said, "I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system."
All three turned to the computer engineer and said, "What do you think?"
The Computer Engineer said, "I think we should all get out and get back in."
Jerry and Stan are walking down the street when they see a stunning woman in a first-floor window, blowing kisses at them.
Jerry says, "Hey, look at that! That woman is blowing kisses at me!"
Stan replies, "Just ignore her. Don't pay her any mind."
The woman then gestures for him to come up to her apartment.
Jerry says, "Did you see that? She's calling for me!"
Stan insists, "Man, don't go up there!"
Jerry asks, "Why not? Why don't you want me to go see her?"
Stan pleads, "Dude, just listen to me. Don't go!"
Jerry ignores him and runs into the building. The woman comes down to meet him, and they go up to her apartment. Just as they are about to get into bed, they hear a car horn outside.
The woman looks out the window and says, "Oh no, that's my husband!"
"Crap!" Jerry exclaims.
"Don't worry," she says, pointing to a large pile of clothes. "I'll just tell him you're the new housekeeper. Here, start ironing these clothes."
Because the husband stays home, Jerry spends the entire day ironing.
The next day, Jerry goes to Stan's house and tells him the story. "You won't believe what happened. Her husband came home, and to avoid suspicion, she had me iron a huge pile of clothes. I was stuck there ironing all day!"
"I told you not to go." sighs Stan, "All those clothes you spent the day ironing? I washed them the day before."
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