What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
