Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.