I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.