What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What did the egg do when it saw the frying pan?
It scrambled.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
My friend: *Throws salt at me*
Me: Don’t assault me!
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
Nobody would ask the strawberry to go to the prom because it was past her sale by date.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What do you call a fat pumpkin?
A plumpkin!
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
"Adulting makes me wine."
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
Did you hear about the cheese failed to medal at the olympics? It fell at the final curdle
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
A storefront that boasts a fruit pun, just peachy.