I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
I've just been to court accused of sniffing the skins of vegetables and fruits.
I got off on a peel.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What do baristas say to their least-favorite customers? You mocha me crazy.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Everybody romaine calm.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
“How was your day? ” “It was tater-ible”
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
I used to hate peas. I like them now, I just make sure I think of them as 'o's.'
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball?
When it’s been sliced.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!