Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
You know what they say about ice cream parents?
They play flavorites.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Egg-Plant a kiss on me.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
"Stop and smell the rosé."
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
We're like three peas in a pod, but lately I feel left out. It's making me quite unhap-pea.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
Hey you like cherry preserves ?
Never mind, its probably not your jam
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.