my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What do you call two male avocados who hang out and drink together?
Avocabros.
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
I was gonna make a joke about Mediterranean food...
But hummus have missed the mark, and now I falafel.
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What did the coffees say before their night out? Let's stir up some trouble.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Why did the potato wear socks?
To keep his pota-toes warm.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
Why do Communists only drink herbal tea? Because proper tea is theft.
The soup that she cooks is so thick that the kitchen would go around when she stirs it.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
When the bread started crying because it was toast, the loaf told him, "You deserve butter."
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What’s a balanced diet like?
A slice of cake in each hand!
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
Thank you for helping me. Biscuit’s the yeast I could do.
Hap-pea-ness is when you and your friend are like two peas in a pod.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!