Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
My son's asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It's really cheap though so I don't mind.
I'm not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
How did the corn farmer get to be so successful?
He corn-ered the market!
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Why did Wonder Woman rescue the Wine?
Because that's what grape lady superheroes do!
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What do you call a pickle doctor?
A dill pusher.
Why can’t people without feet have dairy products? They lactose.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
Why did one melon break up with the other melon?
“He didn’t know water problem was.”
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
I was very surprised to hear those insane rapping skills from my green onions. It had lived up to its name of rapscallion.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.