What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
You’re wine in a million.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Q: What do you call a really violent fruit?
A: A peach breaker
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
The pancake was quiet because it did not like to waffle.
My sister's trying to get famous. She'll never make it, she's just a wanna-pea.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
What happened to the zombie that made him visit the doctor? He had a crummy feeling.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
The reason he went smiling all the way to the jail is because the judge sentenced him to a life behind chocolate bars.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.