I went to the store today and bought some really oddly shaped eggs.
Now I can't find them. I think they've been mislaid.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
The big play is in seven days, you better work on your peach enhancement techniques.
Everybody romaine calm.
Hello my name is lettuce, and I was going to the grocery store...
Ah, I’m getting ahead of myself
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What do you call a pickle you got at a cheap price?
A sweet dill.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.
Breakfasts with my family always feel like a party because they're always making toasts.
What type of a computer does a horse like to eat? A Macintosh
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Why do ice cream cones make such bad athletes?
They always get licked.
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
"Stop and smell the rosé."
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Why did the orange turn into orange juice?
It couldn’t handle the pressure.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
What did the banana do when he saw a monkey? The banana split!
Why did the donut go to the doctor?
He was feeling crumby.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why did the donut start going to therapy? It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing — it never felt hole!
What do you call a fruit that is rough around the edges? A bad apple.
A lorry load of pears has crashed on the motorway. It’s caused a huge jam.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!