What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
How do two cherries make up after an argument? They cherry the hatchet.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
"Great minds drink alike."
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
I think therefore I yam.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
What’s an orange’s favourite animal? An orange-utan.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What does a cat lady say on Friday night?
I am drinking wine and feline fine!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What do you call an oriental cheese? Parm-asian
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
What do teachers drink at school? Facul-Tea.
My banana grandad got in an accident last year, he bruised like a peach!
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Did you hear the joke about the donut? Probably not, it was crummy!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
What did the banana say to the monkey? Nothing, bananas can't talk!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!