When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
What is the favorite color of onions all around the world? Their favorite color is the o-neon.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
Cherry pie can be a bit aggressive. Rumor has it they go around saying, “Hey! You want a piece of me?”
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
A strawberry's favorite celebrity is Mary Berry.
Have you ever seen the episode of VeggieTales directed by Tarantino?
It’s called Mango Unchained.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
What is the only thing that can cure a sick do-nut?
An antidought!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What kind of eggs does a confused chicken lay?
Scrambled eggs.
What Welsh cheese must you always eat with caution? Caerphilly
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
I tried finding the dairy factory last night, but I had no luck. I must have lost my whey.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
When everyone agreed with Hulk at breakfast that they love waffles more, he said, "Not all heroes wear crepes."
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.