Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
just bought 5 slabs of San miguel, 10 sombreros and 25 tacos,
I'm Hispanic buying
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
Why didn't the two worms go into Noah's ark in an apple? Because everyone had to go in pairs !
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
My friends and I are in search of some fresh vegetables puns.
Please lettuce know if you find any.
The police officer only had soups for dinner. He was a soup-erintendent.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
What kind of tea does Billy like?
Ability.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What a spud muffin.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
What are pig criminals known for? Pigpockets.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Due to unusually successful harvests of chickpeas this year, the price of hummus is going to fall dramatically.
Buy the dip.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
What's a barista's favorite morning mantra? Rise and grind.