"Adulting makes me wine."
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
“My bowl of soup must be cracked as it is all wet down here”. “Well, I guess it is because your soup has a leek in it.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Why did the orange get pulled over while driving?
He kept peeling out.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
“Because it had appeal.”
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
Why didn't the watermelon marry the strawberry?
They cantaloupe.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What do citrus fruits use to get dates?
Pickup limes.
Be careful what you say in a corn maze. The walls have ears.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
"Will you accept this rosé?"
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
What did the boss pig say to the pig worker for not working fast enough? “chop chop slow pork”.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
Why did the Oreo go to the dentist? Because it lost its filling.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
Why shouldn’t you take corn on an airplane?
Your ears will pop!
I've been feeling really down recently so I thought I'd cheer myself up by making a nice cheese and pickle sandwich.
But when I picked up the pickle jar, it said "reject if depressed", so now I'm off to take an overdose.
Strawberries love to travel. Their favorite mode of transport is the wind-jam-mer.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.