I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
What do you call someone who chokes on their tea?
A cough-y drinker.
What did the guy at the party say when he realized there was nothing left to dip his tortilla chip in?
“I’ve hit guac bottom.”
What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
Why is cherry pie so legendary? Because it is history in the baking.
What do you call a strawberry in math?
A berry-able.
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
Chopping down other people’s cherry trees is definitely frowned upon. However, you likely won’t get into too much trouble for it – as long as you keep hold of the axe!
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie or not to brie.
Q: Did you hear about the cherry that liked to explode?
A: It was da’ bomb.
What did the farmer say when someone complimented him on his corn harvest?
Aww, shucks!
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What fruit loves chocolate?
A cocoa nut.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why should you make a cherry pie for someone that you miss? Because absence bakes the heart grow fonder.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
What did one cheese say to the other during philosophy class?
“I dis a brie.”
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
Where do you go to learn how to make ice cream?
Sundae school.