What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!
Some people have to stop telling meat puns, because they simply butcher every single joke.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
If you throw your peas in the sky you get air pods.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
It’s too bad the man couldn’t quit his job at the bakery. He really kneaded the dough.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
Why did the hamburger dress up as a computer? Because he wanted to be a Big Mac.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
What did the insulted orange say to the kiwi? Ex-squeeze-me?
The peach was late for work because it had to make some pit stops on the way.
We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
During the battle between the two onion kings, one of them was on the back foot as it was leek-ing blood.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
What is a potato’s life philosophy? I think, therefore I yam.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
Why do communist hate bacon?
Because it’s from capitalist pigs.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.