The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
I told my dad I wanted world peace. He said whirled peas sounded horrible.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Whenever the peach father gets mad at his son, he just screams loudly: “You are the son of a peach!”
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
Why does the Pope love Swiss cheese so much?
It’s hole-y.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
You say "easy peasy lemon squeezy"
... but I prefer "depressed stressed lemon zest."
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
"Great minds drink alike."
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What's the difference between a bipolar person and a loft full of lemons?
One's a bit erratic and the other's a bitter attic.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
You're about half as likely to die from a vegetable pun as you artichoke.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
Whats the best cheese to coax a bear down a mountain? Camembert (Come On Bear)
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
“Lack of concentration.”
What do you call really scared pasta?
Chicken noodles.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
How can you tell if you are in love?
If they stole a pizza your heart.
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.