How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
How can you spot a fashionista donut?
They’re into all the latest glazes.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Peaches tend to be really mean. After all, they have hearts of stone.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
Why do farmers make terrible comedians?
Their jokes are corny!
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
Why did the cheese shop owner finally quit the business?
He was tired of the daily rind.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why did the butter keep talking? Because he felt like he was really on a roll.