What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
Michelle Obama’s favorite vegetable? Barack-oli.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Why do workers at the dairy factory always need a charger? Their milk is stuck at 1%.
What does a cheese say when you ask him to share a secret?
He cantal.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.
What do you get when your dog jumps into the fire pit? A hot dog.
My mom is really soup-rised at the outcome when she puts yeast in the broth.
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
Why does the yogi meditate under the citrus tree?
Because it’s a sub-lime spot.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
"My day just went from super to sip-erb, real quick."
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What is the best way to cook alligator meat? With a croc pot!
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
What does a priest put on his salad?
Lettuce spray.
What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
Did you hear the one about the watermelon pirate who went to the Caribbean? Must have desperately wanted to catch some arrgh and arrgh.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
What's an egg's favorite tree?
A y-oak tree.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
What did the cherry say to the cherry pie? I really crust you.
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.