Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
Why do winos love cheap wine puns?
Because wine snobs hate them!
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad to see me?
Did you hear about the pick-up artist who only ever wears green leaves on his head? Yeah, he’s definitely a pineapple smoothie.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
When strawberries, blueberries or blackberries meet another berry they like and want to get married who do they go see?
The marionberry
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why did the citrus fruit join the military?
“Because it was a navel orange.”
A strawberry's favorite place to visit is Jam-aica.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
The cow intestine dish was offal, but the pig organ tacos was grocer!