I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Which is the most religious cheese? Swiss, because it is holy.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
It peels nice to be voted in as the most appeeling model in the contest.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
When I took a break from having soup, my mom said "Carry on, why did you stoup?"
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Mandy: Our teacher went on a special banana diet. Andy: Did she lose weight? Mandy: No, but she sure could climb trees well!
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Despite the pun being so orange-inal, it wasn’t all that funny.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
Why are bananas never lonely?
Because they hang around in bunches.
Why does Mr. Potato Head have a mobile?
In case Mr. Onion rings.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
Did you hear about the guy who opened up a store where they only sell Swiss cheese?
It’s a hole business strategy.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Why was the salad late to the dinner party?
He was waiting for his wife to get dressing.
What is soap's favorite brand of beer?
Sud-light
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.