Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
How did the cheese get such curly hair?
It got a permasan.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
The sweet potato asked the other potato : “How are my eyes? ”
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
Cherry pie will set you back 10 dollars in Antigua, but 15 in Barbados. Yes, those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
What time do ladies drink wine?
At Wine O'Clock.
What is an astronauts favorite chocolate? A marsbar!
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
My wife just started an all-fruit diet.
There was enough food to make a mango crazy.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
Is an argument between two vegans, still called a beef?
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What do you call cheese that is sad? Blue cheese.
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
Have a s-mash-ing birthday!
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Why did no one drink the youngest milk? Its parents spoiled it.