This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What does an onion say when you are upset because of it one day? It says, "I am sorry that I made you cry!"
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
What do you call yogurt that is terrified of other dairy products? A cow-ard!
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
A protestor threw a bunch of spices on Jason "Pink" London, but all it did was leave him "Saged and Confused".
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What does an anteater like on its pizza?
Ant-chovies.
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
One day a apple saw a banana without its peel. The apple asked banana, where is your peel? He replied, people are always taking off my clothes.
How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
What do you call a pig that can tell you about his ancestors? History in the bacon.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
How are guys just like coffee?
The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
Why did the pirate have a pumpkin strapped to his arm?
He was a squash-buckler.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
How do you milk sheep ?
Release another iPhone.
What did one hummus say to the other hummus
“Sabra.”
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
I love you from my head tomato
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing.”
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
Why did the wine connoisseur insist on drinking from an old tire?
He heard it was a Goodyear!
Wondering about a peach's favorite movie? Well it has to be the 'King's Peach'.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
What kind of keys do kids like to carry? Cookies!
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin?
Gourdgeous.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
If you bake an oatmeal raisin cookie at a temperature of 666 degrees, what do you call it? Raisin hell!