What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back.”
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
I'm not saying you're old, but if you were milk I'd sniff you first.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
Donut even think about taking another donut!
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
I yam what I yam.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
Why did the hot dog turn down a chance to star in a major motion picture? None of the rolls (roles) were good enough.
What do we call two thousand pounds of Chinese soup? It is called won – ton!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: No cherries.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What does an ice cream lawyer say?
You got served.
Why did the orange come back after it was thrown in the garbage?
It was a boom-orange.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
A strawberry feels most comfortable in its py-jam-as.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
When I was in grade school, one of my best friends spoke Mandarin. One day, he introduced me to his parents and I told them I don’t speak orange.
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
Who's a pickle's favorite artist?
Salvador Dilli.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!