I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Mum, you are my soup-er star.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
Do you know what the common thing between a pineapple and a king is? Both of them wear a crown proudly on their top.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette. They call it “Nico-tang”
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Why wouldn’t the reporter leave the mashed potatoes alone? He desperately wanted a scoop.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What do you call a potato that has turned to the dark side? Vader tots!
A narwhal is just a tuna-corn.
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Why do basketball players love cookies? Because they can dunk them!
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.