Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
My wife said I only eat white tasteless vegetables...
Well, not neciCelery.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What's a coffee's favorite spell? Espresso Patronum.
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Why did the banana go to the hairdressers? Because it had split ends!
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What do you call a communist vegetable
a soviet onion.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
Did you hear about the man who stole thousands of dollars worth of rare tea?
He went to prison for Oolong time.
This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
When she asked me if I like soup, I replied saying "I am crazy pho soups".
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Did you hear about the butcher that backed into the meat grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth ?
It's meteor.