What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk
It shall be a security gourd.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue.
What do you call a Vegetarian with diarrhea? A Salad Shooter.
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Fine Wine Pick-Up Line: Hey babe, what are you doing this fall? 'Cause I'd like to make you part of the season's harvest.
I don't like cutting up a peach. I think it's because of the pits.
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
Back in the early 2010s, the peach children loved to flock around to listen to Peach Pit.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam's banana.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
What kind of potatoes are in the best shape? Hash browns; they’re totally shredded!
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The national news did a story on my friend's bumper crop of green citrus fruits.
He loves being in the limelight.
On my farm, an entire lot of onions had some allergic reactions that broke out in chives!
How many grams of protein are there in that slice of chocolate pie? 3.14159265.
What did mama bread say to her kids?
It’s way past your breadtime!
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
Why is the baby strawberry crying?
Because its parents are jamming
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
When the unripe strawberry saw the ripe one, it was green with envy.
“Spring, salad, shallot, picked”, said a friend. He knows his onions.
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.