Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
I was caught smuggling a taco into the new star wars movie...
...they now call me Rogue Juan
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
If you want day-old soup, then come back here tomorrow!
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
How did the fruit get to Hawaii? The pineapple express.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
What do chemists make guacamole out of?
Avogadros.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
I heard they sent a beer into space, destined to leave the solar system. They called it Interstella Artois.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Finally, the call came in and the orange was informed by the person on the other end of the line that the company had orange-d an interview for the following day.
How do you make Ohio State University cookies? Put them in a big Bowl and beat for 3 hours.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Why do bacon lettuce and tomatoes have the lowest IQ out of all the foods?
Because they're in-bred.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree? Pineapple.
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
After I helped a peach with some work, she said, "I really ap-peach-iate your help!"
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.