What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
A person who only loves himself and waffles in the entire world is an Eggomaniac.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
You have two cows, but only milk one. Your friend asks you…
"What about the udder one?"
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
When does Oliver Stone eat ice cream? Any Given Sundae.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
The innocent blueberry got easily framed for the crime because the evidence was a strawberry plant.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
What did the pineapple say to the pineapple chunk? Stay golden.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What do you call a talkative drink? Chai Tea.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call a mislabeled orange juice container?
Pulp fiction.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
What kind of pizza do you order on Christmas?
Cheeses Crust.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.