"Stop and smell the rosé."
What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog? Stop touching my buns! What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A "hollow-weenie!"
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
They fired the loaf of bread from her job. They say that she kept breaking down and would rye on the job.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
Why did the pig kill the farmer? To save his own bacon.
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I’m a wrapper, so I get a lot of dough. A bread wrapper, that is.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?
"Read between the wines."
How do you spot a radical baker?
They’re always going against the grain.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
Did you hear about the guy who overdosed on curry powder? He went into a korma.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Tobacco companies have made an orange flavored cigarette?
“They call it “Nico-tang”
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
I sent back the soup served to me at the restaurant. It was not of soup-reme quality.
Do you know how the pineapple feeds her children? She gives them milk from her pinenipples!
Did you hear about the flatmate who woke up to a spicy toothbrush? He had it cumin.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
What do you get when it rains potatoes? Spuddles.
Why do milking stools only have three legs? The cows keep the udder safe.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
My wife won't let me become a bean farmer. Why won't she just let me work in peas!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
The unripe strawberry wasn't added to the starting lineup of the game because he was too green.
How do you make a milkshake? Give a cow a pogo stick.
I never count my chickens before they're hatched.
Because they're eggs.
I grew up in a really rough area. I would walk out of the house and other kids would leap out and sprinkle me with cream, cherries and shaved chocolate. Life was tough, growing up in the gateau.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
My favorite fruit is the pear.
Because if you have two and you eat one, you still have a pear left.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Doughboy bends over? Doughnuts!
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.