A lemon got a job in a vinegar factory last week...
Starting salary was $15 per sour.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
When I said "God, Thank you for this delicious noodle soup", my dad said "Ramen".
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
What do you call an onion that carries electromagnetic waves? A photonion.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
What does it do before it rains candy? It sprinkles! What do you call dancing chocolate bar? Nestle Crunk bar.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
Plain popcorn? You can do butter than that.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts.
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
The chocolate couple decided to rent a two bedroom sweet for their summer honeymoon.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
Whats green and smells like bacon? Kermit the Frog's finger! Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
The problem with collecting wine is that you always end up getting screwed.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
How do you make a mango shake?
You take it to a scary movie.
What kind of fruit salad is most resistant to sunburn?
The kind with extra melon in.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
What do you get when you divide the circumference of a watermelon by it’s diameter? Watermelon PI.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.